Dear spammer,

Hi!  Remember me?  Probably not, since you misspell my name in every email you send me.  You obviously bought my email address from a third party, as I have absolutely no interest in your products, have never been in your stores, and wouldn’t do business with you if I had a gun to my head.  I never gave you my email address and never wanted to receive an email from you, but here we are:  you just won’t stop sending me spam.  I’ve even created rules specifically to filter your junk, but then it sits in my spam folder and mocks me every day, the unread count growing higher.

Perhaps this persistent campaign hasn’t had the effect you wanted. Well, I know it hasn’t, since I’ve never bought anything from you, but it goes further than that.  Since you’ve been spamming me for years, any time a conversation has even vaguely wandered in the direction of your company’s target market, I have specifically warned people that every employee of your company cuts the heads off of small flightless birds and drinks their blood.  I do not believe this to be true, but it amuses me to lie about you, because I hate you.

Let’s face it:  these emails were vaguely amusing when I lived in Canada, where you apparently have a retail presence.  Despite my flaming distaste for you and your products, a “Hail Mary” attempt to get me to buy your crap by spamming me *every day* even vaguely makes sense (at least from your point of view).  However, I now live in Australia.  I can’t buy anything from you, even if I cared the tiniest bit about you or your products.  So, for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, please stop sending me these stupid emails.  Please?  I’m begging you.  Just stop.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Your victim.

An email that I would like to send, but probably won’t.

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2 thoughts on “An email that I would like to send, but probably won’t.

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